“Would I ever be able to control my drinking so it’s just one glass of wine when I go out for dinner?”
Maybe you can get on board with being sober most of the time, but there are a few situations where you just can’t imagine not drinking. A nice meal out. A holiday. A celebration.
In an ideal world, you’d love to be able to drink on those occasions. So can you get there? Let’s talk about it.
Key points
You must begin with a complete break first
If you’re anything like me, you probably won’t want to hear this. But if you’d like to become a take-it-or-leave-it drinker, you do need to practise the “leaving it” part for a good long while first. You need to build up that sober muscle and get used to not drinking. Because if you really want to be that “just one drink on a special occasion” person, then sobriety is going to have to become your norm, most of the time.
Taking a complete break gives you time to work on fixing the things that got you drinking in the first place. More often than not, your drinking is filling a gap for something you’re missing or a skill you don’t have yet. So you might need to do some work on creating new coping mechanisms and handling life a bit differently. This is the work we do inside my Getting Unstuck coaching programme.
After doing the work, the question changes
If you take a proper break from drinking (anything from 6 weeks to 100 days) and do it right, you’ll come out the other side feeling great physically and mentally. If you do your myth busting work and find new coping mechanisms and let new habits form, you will feel very different about alcohol. You’ll be much less impressed and drawn to it. You might actually feel free from it.
So then the question shifts. It stops being “Can I have one glass of wine with dinner” and becomes “Why would I want one glass of wine with dinner? What would be the point?” That’s the place I’m at these days and this is what I want for you too. This position puts you in control again. When I was drinking, I never thought I’d stop loving wine, but now I don’t even like the smell of it!
What’s realistic here?
Let’s say you stop for a while but you don’t do the mindset work or get coached through this, and at the end you still miss wine. Could you go back to drinking occasionally? Well – it’s not completely impossible, but the odds are against you. Consider what you’d say to a heavy smoker, who took a break from smoking and then planned to only light up on “special occasions”. It’s risky, right?
I often work with women who’ve stopped for a while and then gone back to drinking “a bit,” only for it to slowly ramp up again. Sometimes the effort of trying to stop after just one glass of wine takes up so much of their mental energy, it’s not worth it. There’s nothing shameful about this. I think going back to drinking can be part of the journey and help you figure out what you really want.
The good news…
The main thing I want you to understand here is that there is a way out of this that feels genuinely good. Your choice isn’t between “drink and be miserable” or “stay sober and be miserable.” There’s a way of doing this that leaves you feeling so good, you don’t even want that glass of wine with dinner anymore. This is something I can help you with inside my Getting Unstuck coaching programme.
18 responses
This was my biggest light bulb moment when quitting- after the Sober School I thought about what it would be like to become a “take it or leave it” drinker, but I knew the reality would be a slow-drip to eventually drinking loads again. And I knew it could happen quite slowly- maybe a glass of wine at a nice occasion every month or so, but eventually those special occasions would increase in frequency, and the one glass of wine would increase in size and quantity. And before I’d know it, I’d be drinking loads again. Plus, the course itself made me realise I didn’t even want to have even a sip of alcohol ever again. I thought I’d finish the course and be a “dry drunk” but I finished the course and felt liberated, free, and completely disinterested in alcohol, and I’ve never touched it again. That was almost 10 years ago now- I celebrate 10 years of sobriety this Dec and came on the course in Jan 2016!
I was just thinking about you the other day Ruth! It’s amazing that you’re approaching a decade of sobriety – how time flies! Well done. The Sober School is very nearly 10 years old too! I hope you’re doing brilliantly ❤️
Time really does fly, Kate! It’s amazing that the Sober School is nearly 10 years old too- its quite moving to think of all the women you and the School have helped over those 10 years- so many lives changed for the better! I’m doing really well thank you- I have two gorgeous little ones now, and live is chaotic, but v v happy!
So good to hear you and your young family are doing well and very happy. ❤️ I sometimes can’t believe that 10 years has gone by, but that’s what happens when you’re passionate about the desire to help others.
I’m coming up on six years and also see no good reason to ever have another drink. Nice meals are just as nice with water or perhaps a unique mocktail. Vacations are better when I don’t have to worry about losing my phone or purse or waking up with a hangover. Special occasions are just as special. And every day I just straight up feel better. Why would I mess with that?
Congratulations on nearly six years alcohol-free Dove – that’s amazing and how time flies! I couldn’t agree more that life is just so much more ‘special’ without alcohol blurring the experience, taste and enjoyment on offer. ❤️
I love the concept of “building your sober muscle.” It makes so much sense and it’s so empowering. I go back-and-forth but now I’m ready to stop again. Thank you Kate.
I had exactly the same thought that I would like to have a glass of wine at a special occasion. I realised that this would most likely be a challenge. I only ever drank wine and the odd G&T. About 10 weeks after stopping drinking I did relapse after having just the one glass of wine, which led to more.Then after a year I stopped again. At around 7 months of not drinking my husband had a really amazing bottle of wine and suggested I try a sip. I did, I know it was good but I was shocked to find my taste buds must have changed I really didn’t like the taste. This was the final nail in the coffin for alcohol and me. Not sure if anyone else has had the same experience but it kind of helped.
Your experience is not uncommon, taste buds do change and our usual tipple no longer has the same appeal. As I said in my video, when you recognise that alcohol really doesn’t add anything to a special occasion (it’s special already), why would you bother consuming a toxic poison? Have a listen to some of my previous students who tell the same story: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
Hi Kate,
This video really resonated with me. After so many attempts to stop drinking too much, I find myself here yet again, spending so much of my time worrying about how much, whether to, regretting having etc etc. I wondered about your courses, and would be grateful for some information as my family, though they see me trying to stop, cut down, don’t understand the nature of addiction, or how hard it is for me to say goodbye to something I have always seen as a faithful friend, albeit at a very high price!
I hear you Caroline and know the pain of trying over and over again to control alcohol, when in reality it was controlling me. My approach to quitting drinking is empowering and easy and even enjoyable, so here are the details of my online coaching programme for you: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
Hello Caroline, I hear you ,I want to stop drinking alcohol, I have it alone, so many times , each morning I say to myself, ok “ No alcohol for three days!! By the end of my thought, I calculate , Oh it’s Wednesday , I decide ok I will not drink for two days, because the third day will be a Friday!!
On the occasional ( successful)time I have almost made it to two months…I am inspired by Kate’s pep talks, and I was recommended to this course by an acquaintance, who no longer drinks alcohol. This acquaintance, is now a friend …..I admire her tremendously.
How fabulous we will feel…
My experience of deciding to have “just the one glass for a special occasion” – after months of sobriety – is I always return for more, post-occasion. Here’s what I learned from Kate: Why would I cause myself to start over and go through the hardest days of sobriety again? Not worth it!
Not for one sip!
That’s exactly how it works Debbie. Once the door is cracked by having one drink for a special occasion, it gradually edges a little wider for another drink, maybe in a few weeks or months time, but then another and another…so not worth it!
Hello Kate, I love these videos! They are exactly what I need to hear! Everything you say hits home. I know I really need to take a good long break from alcohol. I want to take a long break from alcohol! You do inspire me. I feel like I drink more now than ever and I don’t understand myself because honestly I truly don’t even want it …..but I do it anyway. I get so mad at myself because I know there’s no reason for me to drink so much but yet I do it anyway. ♀️
Hi Rose, You sound ready to make a change, to take that break and give alcohol-free living a try. My Getting Unstuck course would be the perfect fit for you. Check out the experiences of some of my previous students here: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
Completely agree! For me, it’s not having that boring, exhausting conversation in my head about whether or not to have a drink. Such freedom.
Total freedom Georgy, I agree.