Kate's Blog

A Key Question To Transform The Fear Of Missing Out

The fear of missing out can pop up unexpectedly.

Perhaps you promised yourself you wouldn’t drink, but now you’re not so sure.
You’re worried you won’t have a good time if you’re sober. You don’t want to feel left out.
The fear of missing out – otherwise known as FOMO – can seriously derail your alcohol free goals if you let it.
This video is all about overcoming FOMO with one key question:

“The ‘Fear Of Missing Out’ is what happens when scarcity slams into shame. FOMO lures us out of our integrity with whispers about what we could or should be doing. FOMO’s favorite weapon is comparison. It kills gratitude and replaces it with ‘not enough.'”
Brene Brown

The fear of missing out

FOMO pulls you away from what you said you wanted and tries to keep you stuck in your old way of doing things. It creates fears about what you might miss out on. For example, taste, fun, connection with friends, a certain experience.


Check your thoughts

When the fear of missing out comes up, ask yourself: what’s the story I’m telling myself here? Use it as a cue to explore a particular belief you have. For example, do you really need to drink to have fun? What about all those times when you’ve drunk and not had a great experience?


If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?

This is the key question. Saying yes to drinking means saying no to the future you really want. You’re saying no to feeling proud, having your own back and waking up hangover free. Fast forward 24 hours: what is it you really want – your old patterns or something new? 

Looking for help to quit drinking and feel great about it? Click here for details of my online course.

Hi, I'm Kate

I founded The Sober School to show you there’s another way out of your shame that doesn’t involve AA or rehab. 


26 Responses

  1. That question has really made me think. When I say yes to wine I am saying no to being the mum and partner I want to be. I don’t want to do that anymore.

  2. Both my husband and I drink beer. Although I want to quit he says he wont. I am going to try very hard to start after New Year. The question that I have is what can I do to make it easer for me when he is drinking in front of me?

    1. I would do two things: first of all, make a list of all the ways in which you’re different from your husband. Do you eat different foods, have different hobbies, political beliefs etc? I’m sure there are plenty of things that he does that you choose not to do. So whilst it would be great if he could get on board with this, you already have plenty of evidence that you can make your own choices. It’s worth reminding yourself that you are your own person and you’re in control of what you choose to do. Second, I would make sure you’re part of a bigger community and that you’re getting daily help and support. Doing this alone when you’re unsupported at home is tricky. My next group coaching programme starts in January, so it could be good timing for you: https://thesoberschool.com/course/

      1. Elizabeth….I was in a similar situation in that my husband and I both drank and I think were really convinced that is what you do to have fun, when you a bored , when you are stressed….anytime to make the situation better. I started to realize it was really making things worse… for me. After about a year of following Kate’s blog, I decided it was time and took her January 2020 course. It was challenging at times not drinking while hubby continued to but my mind was made up. I noticed though that he was drinking less. I decided to keep going with another goal of six months. Then, on March 14 he made an announcement that HE was going to join me in not drinking. I was absolutely shocked. He had seen how well I was doing and feeling and he wanted that for himself. Also, he is prone to depression and With the pandemic looming , I think he realized that alcohol would only make it worse. My point… do what you Need and Want to do for you, You might be surprised. I know I was! . He is coming up on his year of AF next month. So proud of him…..and me! Good luck!

  3. This almost made me cry! Now that I am sober due to your class, I realize there are years I missed out on things because I WAS drinking! I don’t remember all the tuck-ins and the smiles of anticipation when my son went to bed on Christmas eve. I will NOT DO IT AGAIN!
    I will be present and sober and happy to tuck him in on Christmas eve and fully together when we get up in the morning to see what Santa brought. I am so blessed to be sober now! Thank you for this great reminder!

  4. This has hit home and I’m sitting with a cup of tea instead of a gin. Feeling proud and looking forward to doing lots of things this evening.

  5. What am I saying no to is an excellent question . It’s only been 39 days since my last drink but I am having clarity ! I’ve been into fitness between hangovers before but now my daughter comes first , then fitness and I am nervous about Xmas but determined! I’ve bought lots of a-free alternatives!thank you x

  6. Very thought provoking. When did this liquid become my boss? What possessed me to prioritise it in my life? More importantly, how do I put the genie (that blurry fog in the brain that alcohol gives)back in the bottle? Lots to consider here as my journey begins.

    1. What you wrote here was spot on – when did it become your boss? Alcohol is sneaky like that. Sobriety gives us our power back 🙂

  7. First, I’d like to start by saying; you are truly amazing!!!! Thank you for being such a source of comfort and direction. I HAD 12 years sober and began “socially” drinking 2 years ago. It soon spiraled into everyday drinking and not being able to sleep without alcohol. I am so angry and frustrated with myself. Where did all the strength and determination go? Why am I not able to get this back under control? How does this poison have such power over me? I thank you once again and will keep fighting this battle until I win! As hard as 2020 has been, it has brought be beautiful unimaginable blessings. I will focus on the gratitude I feel and say YES to them and NO to the poison.

    1. Hi Susi, it’s great that you’re getting back on track. The secret to long term, successful sobriety isn’t so much about willpower but your mindset. There must have been something you felt you were missing out on in sobriety. It would be good to explore that properly and look at your thinking there. That’s the kind of work we do on my course – I have some more details about it here: https://thesoberschool.com/course/

  8. The sad thing is I don’t remember how this all got started. I never drank while my kids were young. But, what started out as meeting friends one time a week, to drinking almost every night. I’m a health coach and feel like a fraud, expecting my clients to say “no” and yet I can barely go two nights straight. The final straw was this last Friday. I don’t remember eating a plate full of nachos, which I would never eat on any giving day. Someone called me to tell me I ate them. I was mortified that I got to where I didn’t remember that. Not to mention there are parts of Thanksgiving I don’t remember. I am going to say no to drinking during this 30 days, even if I fear missing out. I want to meet my goals.

    1. Stephanie, I’ve worked with so many health coaches, yoga teachers, nurses and doctors who all feel they should “know better”. So you really aren’t alone in this. In fact I wrote a blog inspired by this a while back:https://thesoberschool.com/health-nut-by-day-boozer-by-night/
      I’m wishing you all best with your 30 days. If you need any support to quit and feel good about it, my next class starts in early January: https://thesoberschool.com/course/

  9. I’m going to say no. Like you said, it’s just a fear and not reality. I chose to be sober in a present moment with my children and myself. Alcohol is just the way to escape that reality. Facing it is a strength we all have, just need to find it in ourselves. Thank you Kate

      1. At the moment I am seeing a holistic coach to help early days yet.I will be drinking over Christmas but I am listening and trying to change.I want to reduce not stop completely.Thank you for sharing any help is appreciated.

        1. Hi Geraldine, how many times have you tried to cut back already? I suspect quite a few times! I recommend taking a complete break from alcohol for 3 months so you can reset your relationship with alcohol and experience sobriety properly. If you need any help taking that break, I’m happy to support you. Here’s how we can work together: https://thesoberschool.com/course/

          1. Kate, such poweful food for thought here. As someone said in our Sober School club recently, is it worth it? Yes to about a 25 minute buzz. Then no to several days of feeling good, being present to be the best we can with our family, no to our sense of personal integrity, no to any chance of self love and respect, no to building a life we can be proud of, no to a chance to extend our lives, by many years, no to so very many things. The math just does not work out here. 0ne yes to countless no’s.

  10. Dear Kate, I am so happy and thankful thata while ago I found your website.
    I am 111 days sober & feeling good about myself.
    On the run up to christmas I have been thinking of that glass of champagne on christmas morning whilst unwrapping presents but this video really helped. I am going to be saying NO.
    Keep inspiring us Kate, your words truly help.
    Sending you lots of seasonal best wishes

    1. Treat yourself to an alcohol free Christmas Tracy – it will be a massive upgrade! You deserve it. Well done on your 111 days. You haven’t come this far to only come this far 🙂

  11. It’s taken me 3 months to now realise that I’m in a permanent state of feeling calm and mellow. Ok not all the time but in the evening when I sit down to relax. It makes no difference if I have a warm drink, a soft drink or a alcohol free alternative. The feeling is the same. It’s already reached. I’m not missing out but do feel the drinkers are. It takes time but the results are so worth it.

    1. Great point. It’s much easier to find that feeling of calm – that we searched for in the bottom of a wine glass – in sobriety!

  12. I haven’t had a drink for sixteen days today i’m tempted as 5 days ago my marriage broke down due to drink not just on my side my husband is an alcoholic who thinks it’s normal to drink two bottle s of wine plus mixed with gin and whisky or what ever else is about he doesn’t think he has a problem the arguments and paranoia are all side effects of this drug.
    The only thing stopping me at the momement is i don’t want to be that woman possesed even though i want to numb my feelings i know it won’t help and i will just wake up full of dread and be back to square one.

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