“Just a few more hours of work, then a glass of wine at home.”
It’s a common train of thought. Viewing a small drink, just a glass, as a reward for getting through a particularly frustrating day, or finally finishing some work that took a lot out of you.
It’s normal for many people, but to some of us, it’s a surface-level sign of a persistent problem we’re trying to keep to ourselves.
If that one glass becomes two or three most nights – but from the outside everything seems fine – you might relate to the term “grey area drinking”.
If this sounds familiar, and you’re unsure of how to break the habit, this video is for you.
Key points:
What grey area drinking actually looks like
Grey area drinking isn’t dramatic. It’s far from the cliché of the problem drinker. In fact, it’s often so routine and well hidden that most people around you won’t notice it at all. To many grey area drinkers, it looks like quietly drinking a bottle of wine after work, at home, every night, then powering through a hangover the next day to prove everything’s fine.
It’s having a few drinks at the party, making a polite excuse to leave, then drinking what you actually wanted to in privacy at home, unobserved. And that’s what can make grey-area drinking feel incredibly lonely – almost no one else sees it.
If it’s a problem for you, I want you to know that you’re not alone. There are thousands of other successful, outgoing, outwardly brilliant women who carry this secret burden. It’s not a “you problem”, it’s an expected result of a society that says you can only have a good or a bad relationship with an addictive drug. We grey-area drinkers know that this just isn’t true.
Why you don’t need to be an alcoholic for this to matter
One of the most challenging things about grey area drinking is that, to the outside world, it’s often invisible. You’re doing well at work, you see your friends regularly, your loved ones are happy; you’re far from the stereotypical problem drinker, so everything must be okay, right?
But things don’t feel okay. The lingering anxiety, the internal questioning, the headspace taken up with thoughts of alcohol, it can all be so exhausting. This is a painful trap that can be so easy to fall into, waiting for things to get bad enough to force a change.
If drinking has become a problem for you, then I want you to know this: outside of labels and no matter how things might look to anyone else, you are allowed to make a change.
When I was struggling with my drinking, I constantly asked myself “Am I an alcoholic?”, as if I felt I needed to qualify for a label to justify a change. If you’ve had similar thoughts, please know that things don’t need to get worse before they get better – you can start to feel like you again whenever you are ready.
Trying to cut down
Deciding to make a change is the first step; working out exactly what that change looks like is the second. This is where the next hurdle with grey area drinking can pop up: “What does a better relationship with alcohol look like to me?”
If you’re thinking, “Well – I’ll just cut back and drink less,” then I get it. And to be honest, that’s what we all do first. It makes sense to start there and see what happens. But if you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re a few steps ahead already. You’ve probably already tried to cut back for some time now. Maybe weeks. Or months. Or years. How has that worked out?
Alcohol is an addictive drug, but the world around us treats it like a normal part of life. For people who enjoy drinking, moderation is set up to fail. What’s worse is that struggling with moderation can make you feel like you’ve failed, particularly when you come across other people who seem to be able to control their drinking.
Struggling to moderate isn’t a personal failing. Just like others might not notice grey area drinking, we don’t always know how much control other people really have over their drinking. They may be restricted by their finances, they might not enjoy feeling drunk, they could be grey area drinkers too. It’s not a willpower issue, it’s just that the strategy itself doesn’t actually work.
What most advice gets wrong about moderation
There are many reasons why I quit completely instead of trying to moderate my drinking, but one of the biggest is that it gave me the freedom to stop thinking about alcohol altogether.
What most moderation advice fails to mention is that trying to cut back is basically a full-time job. It means setting rules for how much you can drink, when and how often. It’s constant organising, scheduling and making plans for when things go wrong. It’s mentally exhausting.
Cutting back keeps alcohol at the centre of your life. You think about it just as much as when you are drinking, it’s just that now there are more rules to follow and deeper feelings of shame associated with breaking them. It’s not your fault and it doesn’t have to be this way.
I know the cravings and habit-forming cycles can be stopped, even if it feels impossible at first. It all starts with taking a break from alcohol to quieten your mind and work out your next steps.
What to do next
If you’ve been trying to cut back on drinking for ages and it’s just not working, the next step is to test-drive sobriety. You don’t need to make any long-term decisions, just give yourself some time to really experience alcohol-free living and to quieten the alcohol noise in your mind.
The early days of sobriety are the hardest. You’re tackling cravings, sober firsts, and challenges left, right, and centre. So don’t, whatever you do, judge alcohol-free living on those early days. Otherwise it’s a bit like trying to decide whether you want to marry that person you’ve been on two dates with. For most of us, it’s just way too early to tell!
Behaviour change is hardest at the beginning. If you only ever stop from Monday to Thursday (or white-knuckle through a miserable Sober October, counting down until November 1st) you’re not going to have a breakthrough. Allow sobriety to become your new normal and then – and only then – you can make a decision about the future.
If you’d like some help and support to quit drinking or take a break from booze, click here for details of my online course.
FAQs
What is grey area drinking?
Grey area drinking is the space between ‘alcoholic’ and ‘normal’ drinking. If you drink more than you’d like to and often think about alcohol – but wouldn’t consider yourself a stereotypical alcoholic – describing yourself as being in the ‘grey area’ can offer a starting point to work from.
Am I a grey area drinker?
If your drinking looks ‘normal’ to others but feels like a problem to you, you’re in the grey area. It’s not the same for everyone, but it usually involves regularly drinking more than you’d like to but not allowing yourself to see it as a problem because it doesn’t affect your job or family life.
Do I have to be an alcoholic for my drinking to be a problem?
No, you don’t have to relate to any label to make a change. Just wanting to feel better is as good a reason as any to change your relationship with alcohol. Things don’t have to get ‘bad enough’ and you don’t need to be labelled. If it’s a problem to you, it’s worth being addressed.
Can’t I just cut down instead of stopping?
Most people start with this and that makes sense. But how long have you been trying that for already? The problem with cutting down is that it keeps alcohol at the centre of your life. Moderation means constantly controlling your drinking, keeping the alcohol noise loud in your head. Taking a proper break is the only way to quieten the noise and calm your anxieties.
How do I stop drinking every night?
Taking that first step is much easier with the right support behind you. If you’d like some help from someone who’s been there, you can find details about my online course and sober coaching programme by clicking here.
21 responses
Hello, Cynthia B. from across the Pond here. What resonated clear as a bell with me on today’s video were two comments: one, regarding trying to organize/manipulate/justify the actions and results of an addictive substance; and two, the attitude of the world about alcohol. Number two is changing, as I shared from my end with one of your team members, regarding the medical field now listing alcohol, wine specifically, as a #1 carcinogen. I was not only grey area drinker, I did not see it! I did not want to see it. I did not acknowledge its danger until it exacerbated something … hospital. I encourage everyone to not underjudge alcohol’s ability to show up anywhere, later. The Sober School is the perfect chance to see what life is like without constant reconnaisance, that for me went on all day. What a hassle; all that manoeuvering. Many thanks for being such a lovely inspiration. I am so grateful for you and your team.
Hello to you too! Thanks so much for sharing this. ❤️ I love how you described the constant “reconnaissance” around alcohol. It’s amazing how much time and energy it takes up until we step back and see it clearly.
Thank you too, for speaking so honestly about the health side of things. Your experience is a powerful reminder not to underestimate alcohol’s impact.
This totally resonated with me. I’ve been having this conversation with myself for years. I’ve almost got to a point of thinking “it’s too late, the damage is done, is there any point in trying to give up now (mid 60s)”? I gave up for nearly 3 months last year but slipped back into my usual routine when my stress levels rose. I’ve almost joined your getting unstuck course twice but some fears have included “I’ll miss it too much; what if I do the course and relapse, it will have been a waste; but having a drink is fun and enjoyable; who am I without it”. The list goes on.
You’re definitely not too old to take charge of your health. In fact, many women who join my classes are older than you, so you’ll be in great company!
All I’m suggesting is a six-week break from alcohol while I show you a different way to live your one precious life, one that doesn’t rely on a numbing agent to take the edge off. And don’t worry about the fear of missing out. I’ll help you with that too. Spoiler alert: you’re not missing out on anything except the occasional hangover!
Every concern you’ve mentioned is completely normal and they’re all covered in depth during the course. I’ve coached thousands of women over the past 10 years who started out with exactly the same worries and questions. You don’t need to have it all figured out before you begin. That’s what the course is for. 🙂
But don’t just take my word for it – have a listen to some of my previous students talk about their experiences on the Getting Unstuck course; they’re inspirational! https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
Hi ! Before I read I want to confirm this is an English company in England ? I’m bored of coming across apps and help from all round the world !
Hi Nikki, thanks for your question. The Sober School is a UK company, based in England and we have women join my online coaching programme from all over the world. I hope that reassures you.
Great to have a reminder of Grey Area drinking – and how all consuming it was. I attended your course in January 2025 and haven’t had a drink since then. Such freedom to be relieved if all that mental negotiation. Thank you!
Congratulations Nicola! So pleased you have maintained alcohol freedom since the course in January 2025. ❤️ You’re right, it can be so mentally tiring negotiating with yourself every day.
Moderation is so exhausting!!
It’s safe to say I was a very grey area drinker!! I don’t think anyone would have labeled me an addict but I know it made some people (not least my young daughter) uncomfortable when I’d had a few. I was highly functional on the outside, holding down a very stressful job working with the community including social support for those with addictions. I didn’t present like the stereotypical alcoholic/addict but the daily struggle within was intense.
After doing the Getting Unstuck course (July, 2019), I found it tricky to navigate the world of sobriety but I was determined not to do the first stages over again. The good thing about the course was the companionship of like-minded women cheering each other on. No need to feel you are white-knuckling this phase.
My friends and family ae very proud of my efforts and in fact some are more content to have a sober night with me than drink.
This is the best investment I’ve ever made!! xxx
What a lovely reflection Anna, thank you for sharing it. The exhaustion of moderation, despite looking “fine” on the outside, is something so many of my students relate to.
It’s wonderful to hear how the support of the course and community helped you stay the course, and that your friends and family have seen the positive changes too. Congratulations on everything you’ve achieved since 2019. ❤️
I can relate to this. I am a gray area drinker. I have your 5 tip a day document with tips on what to do helps. I bruised my coccyx this year and knew I needed to really not get in that state again. When you described gray area drinking I think that may be what I am now
Thank you for sharing this. So many of us relate to that “grey area” space where drinking hasn’t completely unravelled our lives, but it’s still taking more than it’s giving. I wrote a blog about finding the right time that I think you’ll find helpful: https://thesoberschool.com/right-time-to-quit-drinking/
I really thought this was a very good blog today to make me realise
Hi
i am still wrestling with this I have good times and bad times and I still look forward to always feeling like I an open up a bottle of white wine. I do it in secret when other people arent looking or to cope with how I feel frustrated and let down… this post was really helpful
That back and forth is what I call “alcohol noise”- the negotiating, the wrestling, the struggle. It takes up so much headspace. Here’s another blog about this very topic that I think you’ll find enlightening: https://thesoberschool.com/really-love-drinking-wine/
Drinking in moderation or binge drinking on the weekends is so exhausting. Trying to navigate what you look like to others while keeping your secret takes up so much time. The shame, the hangovers, the headaches, etc. are not worth it.
The best thing I did for myself was the Getting Unstuck course with Kate Bee and her team. This is a non-judgemental group of women who help with the struggles of becoming alcohol free. Thank you, Kate Bee. I would still be struggling if it weren’t for you and your team. I took the Getting Unstuck course in October 2022.
Huge congratulations on your four years alcohol-free!
Thank you for your kind words about the course and the team. We’re so delighted to hear that Getting Unstuck helped you find the freedom and support you were looking for. The hard work and commitment were yours, and it’s lovely to see how far you’ve come since October 2022.
I did the Getting Unstuck course during the Summer of 25 and it was life-changing. I am 16 months sober and because I now have a clear mind I have been able to begin tackling other problem areas in my life. For those of you who are wondering if you should give this a go, stop wondering and jump in. Kate and her team will be behind you all the way – you will not look back!!
A lovely reminder of what’s possible when we give ourselves the chance to change. Huge congratulations on 16 months alcohol-free! It’s amazing how much starts to open up when the fog lifts. Thank you for sharing your experience and for encouraging others to take that first step. ❤️
Hi Kate- this REALLY hit home for me. I love the term “test drive sobriety”.
Hoping to take your course in January.
thx!
I’m so pleased it resonated with you Jayne. I look forward to welcoming you onto the course in January!