Kate's Blog

I Got Tired Of Pretending Everything Was Fine

One of the things that drove me to quit drinking was all the pretending I had to do.

You know – the acting.

Acting as if I didn’t have a hangover. Pretending I didn’t mind whether we opened another bottle. Acting as if I could take it or leave it.

(I think my acting skills were pretty good, if I do say so myself. But my god – it was draining.)

Eventually I got tired of pretending everything was fine.

I explain why in this week’s video.

Key points

Are you acting more than you think?

There’s the pretending (when you open a bottle of wine with your partner) that it’s your first drink of the day, but you’ve already had a few glasses. Or going out for a meal and making out that you’re not desperate to order another. Trying to behave like a completely sober person – or someone who remembers what happened last night…

Pretending is tiring

All I wanted to do today is get you thinking about how heavily the acting and pretending might be weighing on you. The temptation is to minimise it – to brush over it as if it’s no big deal. There’s a part of us that wants to believe that if we can pretend everything’s fine then it must be fine.

Imagine just being yourself

Think about all the energy you’re putting into that pretence – what else could it be used for? How much time and brain space would it free up? I quit drinking because I realised that I like an easy life. And alcohol-free living really is so much easier.

Ready to create an alcohol-free life you love? My online coaching programme will show you how. Click here for more details.

Hi, I'm Kate

I founded The Sober School to show you there’s another way out of your shame that doesn’t involve AA or rehab. 


45 Responses

  1. This is exactly why I stopped drinking! When people are curious about my choice I explain that drinking took up too much of my energy. Not just the hangover, but the lies and the broken promises, the rationalisation and the worry. It’s early days but I’ve spent so long thinking about it that I feel comfortable with only having to deal with the one choice + not to drink today.

  2. Thank you Kate for this video. I 100% connect and relate to this idea and everything you shared I have done. It is exhausting and I pride myself on being a genuine person. It really stands out to me that in this area I am not. This is very helpful to think about. Thank you again for everything you share.

    1. Hi Kate I can totally agree with all your comments on this video, and gosh I’m so tired, of it all. Thank you for putting so clearly and relatable, it is great to know there are other women out there feeling or that felt the same as me. I cant wait for your coaching course..but no drink last night, and I’m not acting that is the truth. Thank you.

      1. I used to buy my booze in different shops(alternate) because I live in a village and everyone knows me to talk to.
        Iam only on day 8 but so far have been able to jump into my car after work and pick people up who were a bit stranded, after 5 usually..I was already guzzling. Keep up the good work everyone x

      2. All the things you have sent me Kate make total sense the reason I was drinking was because I didn’t want to think your videos have helped me so much it does take less energy not to drink so true thank you again for your help

    1. Totally relatable. I’ve never really thought about it this way before. It’s made me feel a bit sad about all the time and energy I’m wasting on drink when I’m not even drinking.

  3. Thank you kate i totally relate to this its crazy how much i do wow didnt realise how bad i was . This has helped loads …

  4. Really relate to this too, pretending I haven’t had a drink, hiding the evidence to deposit in the bottle bank at the supermarket instead of putting it in our recycling, going to the supermarket for drink but putting a few other bits in too to disguise it and so on. I am tired and I am desperate to stop. I haven’t quite yet but your videos are really helping and I am hoping to do your next online course.

    1. I can completely identify with everything in your post .I haven’t managed it either but I want to.

      1. Thank you for your response Tish. It is helpful to know that we are not alone in this situation/trap! X

    2. So true! It is so exhausting how much time I take thinking about which shop or supermarket I can go in today, adding food items I don’t need to the trolley so it doesn’t look too obvious. I put the recycle bin at the end of the street in the dark as I don’t want other people to judge. I hide bottles from my partner and say I’ve only had one glass, when in fact, I’m halfway down the second bottle. Just feel physically and mentally drained….I can’t go on like this.

  5. Right on Kate!
    I was in a restaurant and the waiter informed us that the meals were going to be a little bit late, and I acted like I was upset, but I wasn’t because it meant that we could have a few more cocktails.

    1. I did 2 years sober.. things changed and it slowly came back , the 2 stone I lost has almost gone back on . I live alone and I’m so fed up with my life ..

  6. You nailed it right I do all them things but never really looked at it like that till now watching your video

  7. Oh my goodness… it’s me.im so ashamed to hide empty bottles …to pretend makes me feel even worse .so hopeless .your talks do help.i managed one night without a drink last week…then had one the next night because i felt so good.
    I will make it

  8. Pretending on the phone that I’m not drinking (it’s not until you quit that you realise there’s no disguising it – it’s laughable how we think as drinkers no one can tell!)
    Drinking wine or beer out of a tea cup or coffee cup at family parties so no one knew

  9. I can relate to this also. I have been known to hide glasses in kitchen cupboards like I’m hiding it not only from others but from myself so it’s not actually happening. Sober now for five months. I have taken back control.

  10. Oooh yes, I know this one so well. My husband asking how I am feeling, knowing full well I feel awful but I couldn’t bring myself to admit this and instead chirruped ‘fine’.

  11. I can relate to this also. I have been known to hide glasses in kitchen cupboards like I’m hiding it not only from others but from myself so it’s not actually happening. Sober now for five months. I have taken back control. Thank you Kate.

  12. Kate, it is so freeing not having to pretend anymore. The longer I stay sober, the easier life is. I have more energy because I’m eliminating that crazy life I had. Hiding, calculating even lying just to hide an awful habit. Thank you for everything!

  13. This Video I can refer to, as a lot of your comments are very true.
    I am fairly fit for my age, doing alot of cycling & walking.
    Having lost over 2 stone recently, my fitness is alot better.
    I have never smoked, my eating habits have improved alot, however this video has given me a little wake up call, regarding my drinking habits, thank you, very interesting & very true

  14. This used to be me but no more, when I step back and look at the big picture its crazy and unfortunately I wasn’t as good an actress as I thought my family have now advised me that they knew even on a phone call if I had just 1 glass of wine, a calmness has taken over my life now, I eat more sweet things but for now it’s 1000% better than drinking, fresh mornings are amazing too, thank you so much every one of your blogs makes me realise I am not alone and so many of us have lived a miserable life without admitting it until now!

  15. Hi Kate this is literally me. I’m on day 3 of no drinking and slowly starting to feel better. Thankyou for being so relatable

  16. Yep me too, its lying isn’t it. I lie to my family about how much I have drank, drive home after having had sneaky drinks in the car, but they know. Its full of lies, acting, pretending, its all lies to cover up our horrible addiction to poison. I want that easy life too. Struggling right now.

  17. Feeling it today as I was an actress par excellence this morning meeting up for a coffee when all I really wanted to do was stay in bed. I’ve done all the things you mentioned AND the ones other people have mentioned in their comments on the video. I’m still swinging between wanting to be totally sober forever and yet wanting to hold onto my identity as someone who drinks wine in company – therein lies the biggest lie as my worst hangovers are always after ‘partying’ alone. I retired early thinking it would help me get my life balance back after a stressful career where drinking was the norm. If anything I am now worse. I talked myself out of joining the Spring course because I wasn’t frightened I would be the least successful participant. I am going to work on getting into a better frame of mind for the Autumn course. Thanks, Kate, for keeping up the prompts and providing gentle wake up calls.

  18. WOW! never looked at it from this perspective I so relate! so thankful I found your videos makes me feel I am not alone Thank you

  19. 20 days ….pretty good if I do Say so myself. Lol
    2 times to the grocery store, walked right by the liquor isle.
    One day at a time

  20. Spot on, Kate! Drinking and pretending is so hard. I’m enjoying the “life upgrade” of sobriety way too much to put on my acting clothes again. Thank you!

  21. Kate, this is my life you are describing! It is as if we are best friends (except my best friend doesn’t know!). I am going to watch this again and think about it more. Thank you.

  22. Thanks for this. I can totally relate, but I have gotten my self into more drinking since I retired. I am soo tired of the hangovers.

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