Why does sobriety feel impossible on some days?
You wake up determined, but by late afternoon, the cravings are so strong you can barely think straight.
It’s easy to assume this means you’re weak or lacking willpower. But what if the real problem is simpler than that? What if you’re just not taking care of your basic human needs?
I believe that behind every craving for alcohol is an unmet need. And if you’re constantly battling urges to drink, there’s a good chance you’re overlooking some key needs:
Key points
The four needs that fuel so many cravings
When your fundamental needs aren’t met, your cravings will be stronger and more frequent. You’ll be much more likely to reach for something outside yourself (like alcohol) as a quick fix. There are four needs in particular that make a big difference: sleep, nourishment, joy, and comfort. Get these right and sobriety becomes much more doable. Ignore them and you’ll constantly feel like you’re white-knuckling it.
Sleep: The one you’re probably sacrificing
If you’re used to burning the candle at both ends, you’re reducing your ability to handle stress and make decisions that align with your goals. Maybe you think you can’t go to bed earlier because you won’t get everything done. But by staying up later, you’re perpetuating a cycle where you always have too much on your plate and the sacrifice is always you – your sleep, your sobriety, your health.
Nourishment: Are you actually eating and drinking enough?
Being hungry and thirsty around wine o’clock makes cravings so much worse. Yet many women fall into a pattern of undereating – either to save calories for alcohol or because they don’t want to “take the edge off” the buzz. Are you eating enough actual food throughout the day? Plan a snack and some water around 4pm to ward off cravings.
Joy: The missing ingredient in your serious adult life
We might be grown-up, responsible adults doing important things, but we desperately need joy and fun. If you’re not getting that anywhere else, it makes sense that you try to inject some happiness into a boring day by pouring wine. So think about a typical day. What else is bringing you genuine joy? You need that somewhere in your day, otherwise alcohol will always seem like the only option.
Comfort: Learning to soothe yourself without wine
The world is uncertain and sometimes unsafe. Things go wrong, people disappoint us, and we have difficult days. There’s nothing wrong with needing comfort – we all do. But if your only way of comforting yourself is through drinking, you’re going to struggle. What else soothes you? For me, it’s calling a friend, having a bath, curling up with a book, and going to bed early. If you’re drawing a blank, think back to what comforted you as a child. You’d probably still be soothed by that same thing (or a version of it) now.
The key question: What do I need right now?
Can you see how different that is from asking “What’s wrong with me?” Instead, you’re just being curious. Noticing that you have needs. And that you’ve been using alcohol to fill some gaps. There’s nothing wrong with that. Alcohol worked for you, for a while, but now it’s probably creating more problems than it solves. Being able to meet your basic human needs without alcohol could change everything for you.
Ready to create an alcohol-free life you love? Click here to learn more about my Getting Unstuck course.
16 responses
Excellent video! So true!
Thankyou so much for all the messages …
I take them all in ..
All make enormous sence
I am nearly ready !
Please don ‘t stop sending them….
With much love..
No problem Jo, I’ll keep in touch. Have a listen to some of my previous students who also didn’t feel ready, but were successful with my help anyway: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/ ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ as they say – you won’t regret it.
Well, Kate you are right on-target with my doctor! Yes, in my former drinking days I usually did not meet even one of the four! Nowadays, I take great pleasure/comfort/fantasy in our garden plus my miniature Tinker Bell stuff (just as I did as a child)! Odd how things come around if one thinks on it. Also, sleep is my most important item: my wine used to love to creep in whilst I was tired, or irritated & in a bad mood due to being tired! Many thanks for being you bearing the truth – all the time!
Good for you Cynthia and it’s amazing how soothing a childhood interest can be when revisited. A good night’s sleep is non negotiable for me these days!
Thanks Kate your words of wisdom do help. I am only 6 days in but to be fair my problem is when I’m socialising or my friends pop in for a drink before dinner but I have my zero gin ready which I had tonight with my neighbour. I have recently retired and able to care for my granddaughter 2 days a week which keeps me busy and on the other days I attend fitness classes at the gym . I will keep your tips in mind at the weekend which is when I usually drink . Thanks for your support which is a huge help .
You are most welcome Jenny! 🙂 Having alcohol-free alternatives to hand is a great way to continue the ritual of sharing a drink with friends or neighbours without suffering the consequences of drinking.
I have been alcohol free for six months now. But this video resonates so much. Work took over which resulted in neglecting myself. Sleep still alludes me but I am better able to cope.
Well done on six months alcohol-free! Your health is going to be much improved, even if good sleep isn’t consistent. You can be sure that the quality of your sleep is much better without alcohol disrupting it. Keep going Diane 🙂
Really great insights as ever Kate. Would be fab to have some other examples, ideas or inspiration for joy-bringing too? Thank you as ever, Lucinda
A good question to ask is what brings you joy because it’s different for everyone. But here are a few suggestions I’ve heard over the years from my students.
Buy fresh flowers for your home or office. You don’t need a special occasion to buy yourself flowers. Use that fancy moisturiser or body lotion that you had for Christmas/birthday, don’t leave it gathering dust on the shelf. Schedule a half hour break with a cuppa and magazine – no distractions and no feeling guilty. Put on some dance music and bop round the kitchen or take some time to create your own playlist and plug in now and again for some good tunes. Go to the cinema for a mid week treat; it’s a perfect solo activity. Or my favourite, a bath, clean sheets, good book and an early night!
Hi Kate – thank you for keeping in touch with me for so long. I’m ready to do your course. When does the next one start? Many thanks. Joanne x
Hi Joanne, Fantastic news! My next Getting Unstuck course starts on Monday 6th April. Keep an eye on your inbox for the registration details I’ll be sending out later this month.
Perfect! Thank you xx
Love this video and your self-care reminders! Thank you Kate
You’re welcome Deborah. I’m glad it has helped you.