Have you been trying to moderate?
That’s exactly what I did as well. For a long time, I was obsessed with just being able to have one or two drinks. It was my goal for years.
If you’re currently trying to do the same thing, you might wonder what made me change tack…
I didn’t have a rock bottom and nothing dramatic happened. I just had a sudden realisation… and I’m talking all about it in today’s video.
Key points:
Trying to moderate only worked some of the time
Let me be clear: there were times when I could have just one or two drinks, especially when I was with other people. But when I was at home – my favourite place to drink – it was a completely different story. Even though I set limits, I found it really hard to stick to them.
I think I might have been successful 25% or 30% of the time. That is not good. In most areas of life, we don’t accept such a low success rate, but when it comes to alcohol, it’s easy to convince ourselves that moderation is “good enough” – even when it’s really not.
The mental exhaustion of trying to cut back
The second issue I had with trying to moderate was the mental energy it took to keep alcohol in check. I was constantly thinking about drinking – even when I wasn’t doing it! I’d spend way too much time planning out when to drink, what to drink and how much. It was exhausting.
That’s when I started to realise: What I want more than anything is for alcohol to be unimportant and insignificant in my life. What if the easiest way to achieve that was to stop drinking it altogether? And it turns out, I was right. That was the secret.
Total freedom comes from letting go
Alcohol doesn’t take up any space in my life anymore – I don’t miss it. It’s just something I don’t do, like smoking cigarettes. And that’s true freedom. That’s what I want for you too… for alcohol to become tiny and unimportant in your world.
If I wasn’t working in the sobriety field and coaching women on this topic, alcohol wouldn’t even cross my mind. It’s no longer this “thing” I have to manage, battle or resist. It’s just a non-issue – and that feels really good.
It doesn’t have to be a battle
If you’re struggling with the idea that complete sobriety brings more joy and freedom, it’s probably because you’ve subconsciously absorbed the messages from old-fashioned recovery programs that say quitting alcohol will be a lifelong battle and constant struggle.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Yes, there will be challenges, especially at the beginning, because change is always hard. But with the right mindset and inner work, ditching alcohol can feel empowering, not punishing.
At The Sober School, my goal isn’t just to help women quit drinking. I want them to feel good about their decision and happy with the path they’ve chosen. Sobriety really can be a lifestyle upgrade – something that makes your life better, not harder.
54 responses
I tried completely quitting. I’ve tried setting limits and i still went overboard Saturday night! I was briefly hungover yesterday . I’m going to keep tring
Hi Bama, It can be a lonely journey trying to do this on your own. If you need any more support, my online coaching programme would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
I’m two weeks in but about to go away for the weekend so scared I may slip up and have a drink as where we go there’s so many pubs around and my husband loves a drink with me
Hi Joanne, Well done on your two weeks! Perhaps make your decision ahead of time, what you want to do and what you will drink instead. I think you’ll find this blog I wrote helpful too: https://thesoberschool.com/how-to-be-sober-when-everyone-else-you-know-drinks/
Kate video makes perfect sense tried moderating many times with no success been alcohol free for 13 weeks now with yours and the groups help. Looking forward to the next 13 and now know the only way for me is an alcohol free life
Many thanks for all the teams encouragement Val
Hi Valerie, It’s great to see you at 13 weeks alcohol free. Well done!
I am in the cutting back phase, which is not working so well. I will drink 3-4 nights a week, mainly wine, do not tent to touch spirits, beer or cider.
Hi Lorraine, It can be so exhausting can’t it? Plus it only works a small percentage of the time. I can show you another way that’s empowering and feels good. Check out my online course here: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
I seem to be very concerned about what my family and friends will say. Will they think I’m a party proper.
Have 3 major events coming up and telling myself that I’m going to stop then, although I feel ready to stop now. Did you choose a specific date?
Hi Gwyneth, There’s never going to be the ‘perfect time’ to do this, there will always be something coming up in the diary. Decide what is right for you, it is good to set a date and commit to it. We rarely get to know what others truly think anyway, so don’t let that hold you back from doing what you feel ready to do. If you are looking for some support, my online coaching programme would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
I used to worry that my family would think i was a party pooper, a downer and boring if I quit drinking. Thats not what happened. After I stopped drinking, they told me they were relieved.
I’m in that- moderation/ if I get 2 little bottles I’m fine, if I get a big bottle – it’s 3/4 and the rest the next day. It leaves me feeling tired and exhausted but at the time it relieves all the stress. I’m fed up with really, spending money on it, feeling tired the next day, thinking about it, trying to justify it etc etc
Hi Amanda, That internal chatter and justification can be exhausting. Check out my Pep Talk I think it will help: https://thesoberschool.com/pep-talk
I haven’t had a drink in over a month. It can be challenging, but for the most part, I am so happy to not be drinking. I am happier, look forward to all the occasions that arise and don’t feel nearly as tired and the fog has lifted. Listening to you, Kate has been a huge help!
Hi Lisa, That’s fantastic! It’s great to hear how happy you are, well done.
I want to start not drinking. It is a part of my time with coworkers, social time and time off. I’m tired of it but keep being a part of all of it
Hi Heather, Maybe it’s time to put what you want first. This blog might help you: https://thesoberschool.com/cant-imagine-socialising-sober-focus-on-this/
I’m proud of myself! I am 6 weeks sober as of yesterday October 20, 2024. My health is better especially my hypertension. I keep a positive outlook and focus on taking care of myself. I keep nonalcoholic beverages in my house to drink and get exercise. I feel better. Drinking wine had been a habitual activity for me.
Hi Debbie, You should be super proud of yourself, well done!
2 years AF. I love not having the brain clutter of attempting to manage alcohol use and consumption. I hardly ever think about it anymore. And this is freedom and a lifestyle upgrade in a very big way!!!
Hi Ann, I 100% agree. Congratulations on your 2 years AF!
I’ve been AF for just over 2 months. The first couple of weeks was the hardest, but I now realise I can enjoy going out AF.
Planning to have alcohol free replacements for weekends really helped me.
I’ve also read loads and something I read really keeps me going ‘ I live in the day rather than night now’.
There’s nothing nicer than going for a morning run hangover free at weekends.
It’s definitely the best decision
That’s amazing! It really is the best decision and I’m so pleased to hear how much better life is for you. Well done.
I struggled for years on the moderation merry-go-round with a few days of success followed by days of failure resulting in constant guilt and self loathing. Thanks to your guidance, now over 4 years free and love my new life! When I started, it took vigilance but now it feels normal to be a non drinker, not a constant battle of willpower at all.
So lovely to hear from you Lynette. You are truly feeling the life style upgrade. Congratulations on your 4 years!
Everything you say is brilliant Kate! I can watch you again and again until it sinks in. 25 days today. I can’t I know what I now know. I have to not be afraid of raising my standards. I have gone this long before but I am doing more daily work. The change that matters most comes from within and I am really digging deep to figure it all out. I want that lifestyle upgrade. Scary to think forever so I’m just going one day at a time. Looking for the “good bits” you talk about. Thanks for your encouragement!
Hi Mo, well done on your 25 days. I love what you say about ‘raising my standards’ and ‘the change that matters comes from within.’ When our sobriety means more to us than alcohol ever did then the lifestyle upgrade is revealed. Keep going because it just gets better and better.
Have completed 5 weeks is sobriety and working through my 6th week! Have been totally sober throughout as I really wanted to give this course “a fair go” as they say out here in Oz! All the advice and community support has been amazing. Big, big thanks to you Kate and everyone at the Sober School. Have made the commitment to carry on for another 6 weeks, as I love how I am feeling now and can’t wait to see how I will feel after another 6 weeks! Thank you all again.
Hi Fiona, You are doing brilliantly. It’s been wonderful to see you progress through the course and take everything on board. Well done.
I think I really needed to hear your message. i really appreciate it. Thank you so very much.
I’m starting day 4 of no alcohol after drinking heavily for many years. I’m trying to keep myself busy
Hi Suzanne, You don’t have to do this alone. If you’d like some support, my online coaching programme would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
Hello Suzanne, I am starting day two and not feeling well! You are an inspiration!
I have been sober for 3 weeks now. I’m happy I’ve made it this far but I’ve been compensating with food eg crisps, chocolate. I also have a night out on Saturday. I will drive so definitely not drinking but I’m not looking forward to it. I’m just thinking about how soon I can get away.
Hi Jayne, Keep going, 3 weeks is a great start. Check out this blog, it will help you plan for this Saturday: https://thesoberschool.com/how-to-be-sober-when-everyone-else-you-know-drinks/
I’m the landlady of a pub and I obviously have to be extremely mindful of my drinking. It’s a mine field out there, the peer pressure and constant influence of alcohol in my life is massive, especially as I like to have a ‘moderate’ drink too. However, moderation in this environment increases over years and frightens me. I did 100 days off last year as a challenge (and felt great) but the relief of my regulars when I starting drinking again made me wonder if it had hindered my interaction with them during that time. How was I different ? Or is it their need to feel less ‘’guilty’ about their drinking ? What to do ? I’m 57 so changing jobs now seems impossible and going sober seems ‘hypercritical’ to those I serve. It’s a conundrum, the battle is real and exhausting.
I am coming to the conclusion though it’s an all or nothing situation, but I fear for my livelihood. Your logic and experience ring true but perhaps there is a key I’m missing here …
Hi Sally, I guess my question to you would be; What do you want to do? Make a decision based on what you want rather than what you think others might think. This is your life and you get to choose how you live it, regardless of what job you do. I’m sure you won’t be the first sober landlady. If you’d like some support, my online coaching programme would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
Hi, just beginning. Day 2. I can’t keep anything down! But am determined. I really value your talks!! Will this feeling of nausea get better?! Thank you!
Hi Beth, Alcohol stays in our system longer than you might think. Look after yourself with plenty of water, nutritious food and rest whilst your body recovers.
I gave up alcohol on January 1st for 100 days. It is now nearly ten months. Moderation never worked for me. One glass always became one bottle. Total abstinence is so much easier especially with the help of your weekly videos. My family and friends now totally accept that I don’t drink and never pressure me into having “just one”.
I feel so much more able to cope with whatever life throws at me now. Thank you.
That’s fantastic Gill. Congratulations on your 10 months!
Hi Kate, what you said about trying to cut back and how mentally exhausting it is………well that is spot on for me! I would constantly be thinking about alcohol……..I’m only a week alcohol free but already my mind feels a little lighter. I’m excited to take a journey towards an alcohol free life!
Hi Jo, I’m excited for you! Release from that internal chatter is true freedom. Keep going it gets better and better.
Hi Kate what you have said here is completely true and resonates 100% with me. I quit 2 years ago and spent 2 happy alcohol free years just as you described. THEN! I had a traumatic family wedding absent mindedly took a sip of champagne from the one containing alcohol by mistake…(not the nosecco) I was ok didnt want any more (hmmm I thought maybe I can have a glass every now again!!!) and then went to Italy and thought well I’m in Italy I’ll have some here and then stop again when I get home! Nope this was July and I’m now back up to a bottle a night at worst. I want to stop again and I am so glad I found you. I just need a sensible support like this as I agree it can be simple. Last time I just made the decision and did it. I wanted to be free and found that I had my life back. I was no longer a slave and I yet again find myself sick of feeling sick and tired…..I want my freedom back.
Enough……x
Hi Mandy, I can definitely help you get your freedom back. Listening to stories from some of my previous students may inspire you: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
Thanks Kate for a great video and thanks and well done to everyone on here. You’re an inspiration to me as I can relate to everything. My biggest fear about stopping altogether is the idea of never having another drink. I was never interested in alcohol until I quit smoking but I realise I just replaced one bad habit with another. Any tips on overcoming this fear would be appreciated thank you 🙂
Hi Jan, Anything new we decide to do can feel scary, it doesn’t mean we can’t do it though. However, doing it with support can feel much more comfortable. If you’d like that, my online coaching programme would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
Hi Kate I completely agree that moderation is harder work than drinking with abandon! I’m 29 days sober and have found it surprisingly easy up to this point after getting my mindset sorted. However, I had a feeling that I’d wobble between 4 and 6 weeks and the little devil is whispering to the angel. One won’t hurt . What advice do you have for the wobbles? Thanks. Joanne
Hi Joanne, Congratulations on your 29 days! That’s brilliant. I wrote a blog on exactly this kind of thought. Check it out here: https://thesoberschool.com/the-real-problem-with-just-one-drink/
Hi Kate I’ve done 28 days today I feel so much better. I’ve had thoughts about having a wine but they are short lived. My journal is helping too.
That’s fabulous to hear Lisa; 28 days of alcohol freedom! If you need any further inspiration, have a listen to the success stories of my students. They will confirm you’ve made the best choice to ditch the alcohol. 🙂 https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
This is a powerful video. The illumination of the “old rules” is accurate and helpful. No wonder sobriety sounded so awful! Thank you Kate
I’m only day 4 of being A/F after many years of not being, trying and failing. I’ve started watching your videos every morning to remind me how good I already feel, sleeping naturally instead of being comatosed, eating instead of not bothering, I’ve seen my family more over the last 4 days than in the last 4 weeks and I enjoy that, work has improved as well which has also eased my high anxiety levels, thank you for your words and here’s to tomorrow
Hi Suzanne, What fantastic improvements to notice in just 4 days, it keeps getting better and better too. Keep going!