The morning after I’d been drinking, I’d often wake up in the early hours and wonder:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why do I keep doing this?”
“Why can’t I just get my act together?”
Lying in bed with my eyes closed and my head pounding, I had no idea that I was asking myself all the wrong things.
If you’ve been drinking when you promised yourself you wouldn’t, there’s a much better question you should be asking instead.
This video explains it all.
Key points
A better question to ask
If you’re struggling to quit, the best thing to ask yourself is this: “How does my drinking make sense? How does it make sense that I’ve developed this pattern?” You can learn a lot of useful stuff from this. This question forces you to bring curiosity without judgement to your situation and step into a calm, figuring-out mindset. That will get you so much further than beating yourself up with shame and disgust.
Some examples
So how does your drinking make sense? Let’s say you drink in the evening to switch off after being on the go all day. It kind of makes sense to use alcohol for that purpose because it literally slows you down. If you’ve been really hard on yourself all day because you haven’t got as much done as you wanted, drinking alcohol might help you think about something different and stop beating yourself up.
Why this information is useful
A big part of quitting drinking is understanding yourself and why you drink. There’s always some benefit to your drinking, otherwise you wouldn’t do it. Some of those benefits are subtler than others, but they’re always there. Once you start identifying what that benefit is – and it might be different on different days – then you can begin thinking about how else you could meet those needs and manage your life.
Curiosity vs shame
When you make your drinking a personal and moral failing (“What’s wrong with me?”), you end up shaming yourself, which can feel very painful. When you’re in that place, you close down the opportunity to learn from what happened, which reduces the chance of you making lasting changes. So please – drop the judgement and start being the scientist of your sobriety.
Ready to create an alcohol-free life you love? Click here to learn more about my Getting Unstuck course.
12 responses
Hello from Cynthia B. (Birmingham across the pond). So good to hear your voice with its usual positive facts to share. Yes, the name calling brought back memories of drinking days and I can attest that even if no one else knew I was beating myself up, I did! Close to three years now in a month or two and life is so much easier without the busy-work of wine, plus a clearer complexion. Many thanks and lovely week.
Many congratulations on your upcoming three years of freedom from the alcohol trap! 🙂
I remember when I started to ask myself what I was trying to achieve by looking forward to/drinking a bottle of wine. Basically I was wanting something nice for myself – yes tv, yes nice supper but wine? Could I make the nice thing happen without the wine? Add something else into the mix? Wine was just an extremely addictive habit that I needed to break/change up a bit. So yes, change the shame/beating yourself up, for curiosity and a plan. Fortunately for me (and this is after a good few years of trying to stop for more than a couple of days) your Freedom Week popped into my inbox at just the right time so I was able to get a good run at a bit of time without wine. And keeping the curiosity going and planning ahead I’m now in my sixth week!! Thankyou for your part in that. And now I really don’t want to have to go through the endless Monday to Thursdays again and that is keeping me wine free and so very content . And I say all this with deep respect for these precious few weeks that I’ve achieved after literally years and years of trying, failing, beating myself up etc etc… xx
Well done on six weeks Tania! That’s fantastic and no doubt you are feeling the benefits of removing a toxic substance from your body. Being good Monday to Thursday and then drinking on the weekend, just reinforces the myth that alcohol is necessary in your life and it truly isn’t as you have found. If you need further proof, have a listen to some of my successful students here: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
I’m so grateful to you and the team Kate. Since starting Sober School with you I’m nearly 7 weeks completely dry. That’s including special occasions and a holiday. I’m loving it, how I feel, saving money and now I’ve taken the steps I can’t see my wanting to again. I just needed a kick start and a reason. I’ve got a good support network and I’m giving it my all.
What a fantastic start to your alcohol-free journey Hayley; I’m so pleased to have helped you with a kick-start to alcohol freedom. If you ever need a dose of inspiration, have a listen to my free pep talk to keep you on track: https://thesoberschool.com/pep-talk
Hi Kate, Well made it 3 weeks….now I need to start over UGH…! I love your positive uplifting Videos they are a great help. Thank you .
There’s always a reason why we go back to drinking, it makes sense. This is exactly the mindset work I teach in my Getting Unstuck programme; I’d love to help you quit for good next time. Put your name on the interest list and I’ll be in touch. https://thesoberschool.com/course/
l really want to give up drinking, l wish I could have done your 6 weeks course recently but honestly I just didn’t have the money along with some big bills and my partners cancer returning was my real excuse to say to myself this is the ‘wrong ‘ time! l love the way you discuss drinking without the shaming but the need to understand and use self compassion. l have taken a first step, l have set myself a date to stop drinking. l can only think about the first 6 weeks as you suggest because to be honest the thought of anything further is too scary for me to think about. Thank you for your videos, l feel that you really understand what I am going through ❤️
I hear your desire to give up and there’s never a perfect time, but now is usually the right time. We can’t always control our circumstances, but we can control our attitude, our actions and the perspective we choose. It’s the way you interpret what’s happening around you that really matters. I wrote a blog on this topic that I think may really help you Lindy. https://thesoberschool.com/right-time-to-quit-drinking/
I hope and pray I can do this course as I’ve tried everything else. Great administration for these women
Hi Margaret, My next course starts on Monday 6th July and registration opens the week before. In the meantime, if you’re looking for something inspiring to watch, check out the experiences of some of my previous students here:https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/