In my drinking days, the idea that sobriety could be anything other than deprivation and punishment seemed completely laughable to me.
I was sure that sober people were missing out, big time. So it’s kind of funny that I’m sat here, talking about the joy of being sober smug.
That’s my name for that feeling when I’m out having a brilliant evening, and I know I’m also going to wake up the next day feeling great.
You know you’re getting the best of both worlds and it’s truly awesome.
Key points
Sober smug = the best of both worlds
To me, it’s about that moment when you realise you are winning at life because sobriety is giving you more, not less. You are having a heightened experience because you don’t drink. It’s when you notice you’ve just had a really good evening out, sober. You’ve had fun, you’ve laughed… and you know you’re also going to wake up the next day with a clear head, good memories, and a good time behind you. It’s that breakthrough moment where you think: oh. Sobriety isn’t this stone in my shoe. It isn’t about living a life of less. It’s actually about squeezing more out of life, because you are available for more.
We’re trained to see sobriety negatively
I admit, even the word “sober” sounds boring and austere. (Sometimes I regret choosing The Sober School as a name, but we are where we are…) I know sobriety doesn’t exactly sound like an exciting lifestyle upgrade to begin with. Whereas with alcohol, we associate it with all sorts of positive, fun and joyful things. When I first stopped drinking, I did so very reluctantly because I thought I was giving up so much. Not just the booze, but all the fun that went with it. I’m glad to say the truth is very different!
The good times are just as good
When I think about my drinking, what strikes me now is how much I fixated on the first few minutes of drinking. That small moment of perceived glamour and fun and joy. I focused on that but completely overlooked the experience in the round. The overall shame, the regrets, the lack of joy, the consequences. Now I love being able to say no, I choose not to drink – and I know I’ll have a good time no matter what’s in my glass.
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29 responses
You have helped with your email so much over the last few years and I’ve been enjoying sober in the sun with all the AF alternatives like amazing mocktails with ginger- I’ve realised I can have fun and people like me!
I attended my first AF social event at the weekend after taking Kate’s Getting Unstuck course – I had a great evening, left by midnight, when everyone was starting to tell the same stories over and over again (!) and was up bright and early the next morning – and yes, I felt smug!
What a great sober first Anna; you deserve to feel smug after that. 🙂 Alcohol steals happiness from tomorrow, but not for you anymore!
I absolutely love this. I was in your second course and just passed the 10-year mark. (Thank you!) And I have had SO many sober smug moments! As you said, it was a true lifestyle upgrade. From weddings to going out to happily sitting at home relaxing, I know that I’m having a better life than others who are on the alcohol wagon. And so much better than I used to. For those of you who might be unsure, I can assure you that a life without alcohol ADDS a level of confidence, clarity, and joy that would be impossible otherwise.
Huge congratulations Lisa!! A whole decade of an upgraded lifestyle and all because you stopped doing one thing. I love what you say about adding confidence, clarity and joy, so true. Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised. ❤️
My favourite smug is being pulled over at a booze stop and knowing I’m a complete pass. This has happened more in 7 months than in my whole drinking career.
That’s yet to happen to me, but I imagine it’s very satisfying! 🙂
Quickly approaching 3 years AF (graduate of your July 2023 course) and I confess to feeling Sober Smug on the regular! I’ve noticed I even have my own sort of secret smile when others are talking about drinking and all the hoopla that goes with that [anxiety, consequences, headaches & poor sleep…on and on!] and it’s all I can do to keep the Smug to myself! Especially too with my partner, who still lives like a frat boy. He knows better than to complain to me about hangovers anymore – I’ll just spread my Sober Smug-Butter all over that burnt toast!! (Goodness how the drinkers hate that!) I do not miss drinking one single bit and thank the God/Universe/Force/Love – and YOU, Kate Bee – every. single. day. for the incredible upgrade that sobriety is for me. My days are astonishingly full and so satisfying. Here I am, a grown woman, rediscovering the wonder and joy of living an authentic life and doing all the things that please ME. I feel like I am finally living an incredible and powerful life and I simply love love love it! I look good in Smug!!
Woo hoo Kristin! Sober smug really does suit you and at nearly three years of awesome alcohol freedom, you deserve that fabulous feeling. ❤️
First of all – You in your gorgeous gown, and it won’t have wine stains (big cleaner bill attached)! Yes, just last week I had a lovely ballet matinee and thoroughly enjoyed the “smug” (to me relief) moments! No wine stains either. Best of all, no skulking about between orchestra, restroom, venue bar (always a herd so waiting is never shorter than 10 minutes for one’s $20 (USD) glass of wine. Yes, $20 and still $20 as of May 10. Also, the total relief of not appearing drunk/or even just too much in front of other patrons and, esp. my ballerina I sponsor. You are right about not enough on sober smug. It’s total relief from gown to makeup to demeanor to speech … Many thanks for reminding us grateful folks of the joy, relief & fun of being sober! P.S. Sheep are cute, hope we seem some in Wells this summer!
Great point Cynthia – no dry cleaning bills or ruined gowns! Another bonus to remember when you live an alcohol-free lifestyle – just love that. (The sheep were a little loud, but hey, that’s the countryside for you) 🙂
Kate, im sorry to hear you are trolled by people How cruel when you are giving so much help to so many grateful women. Including me, im grateful and thankful to you for helping me see a side to life I didn’t realise was so personally positive. I love the Sober Smug term Im going to use that every day. It’s a positive, quietly re-affirming little statement that will help me be confident about my Sober life choice. Thank you so much xx
Glad I could give you some affirmations about your lifestyle choice – it really is an upgrade for free!
Wow to all
Smug=Wow
It’s funny you should post this today my day started with Noughty am friend came round last night drinking red wine on a hot day I had fever tree blood orange soda she wanted to try it then wanted one and I’d bought all different bottles different flavours and I didn’t want to share some of them I had not had before Waitrose now is excellent for choice.
So I made her a naughty with Seville orange gin 00 nice !!!
So I had some leftover made me laugh as I bet we’ve all done that first thing. I just wanted to try it on its own and it made me laugh so I had that first then I had a grapefruit and tonic then I had gin and tonic loads of ice in a posh glass also drank lots of water and yes, water does do that clinking sound and condensation on the glass cooking tea a bottle of larger
So I just sat down to have my tea and read your blog
And I laughed as I probably would be paralytic by now and I just thought to myself wow !!!
Also us girls must stick together and say we don’t want to drink non-alcoholic drinks in a bloody jam jar or water, so when they go to take away the nice glassware, straight away I grab it back and say no.
Good for you Athene. Us sober folk DO deserve to have a grown up drink served in a pretty glass too. 🙂
Hi Kate:
Always love to hear your cheerful voice with positive affirmations on the glory of being alcohol free! I’m a graduate of your 2024 July course and have never looked back! I absolutely LOVE how I feel when I wake up in the morning now. That wasn’t the case for 30+ years when believed alcohol needed to be part of my daily routine. I’m coming up on 2 years sober 7/1/2026! I NEVER thought I’d give up the wine (or the whining!) but I have and my life is SO MUCH BETTER for it. Thank you, Kate Bee. I’m forever grateful to you!
Ah, you’re so welcome Christine and many congratulations on your upcoming two years of an elevated lifestyle. No wine means no whining – good one! 🙂
Hi Kate
Thanks to sober school ive been sober for 2 years now.
Ive had lots of sober smug moments!
Mostly when people have been ” hanging” through over indulging, ive had all sorts of comments, but the saddest one is when someone says, i wish i could give up! I always refer to you and rhe chats, and of course, ultimately, sober school.
I still read the post. Of course, and I cant say its always easy to keep on the straight and narrow. My husband died then my dad, huge triggers , but I knew reaching for the bottle would make it all 1000 times worse.
So I remain smug with my sobriety… with your and the teams support. Anyone can do it. Thanks Kate
Love Lori
You never know who is quietly watching and wishing they had the strength to do what you’ve done for yourself. Keep going — you’re a lighthouse for people who are still finding their way through the dark. I’m so sorry for your losses and I hope you can feel how deeply you honour their memory every time you choose to care for yourself in your grief. Sending love and light your way. ❤️
Hi Kate
I’m 4 months into sobriety. At first it was hard ,looking forward to those first few sipp. I had a sober smug moment last week at a barbecue. I was drinking an alcohol free beer laughing and felt so happy talking to friends and family . I felt drunk !!
Well done on four months and it sounds like you were drunk on life at the BBQ. You know that’s genuine happiness when alcohol isn’t faking your feelings. Keep going Margaret, you’re doing great!
Are those goats in the background? How lovely!
They are sheep actually and were having a good old bleat! 🙂
Hi Kate
I’m 6 months in to my sobriety journey. My children are proud of me and have never questioned why I’ve decided to cut alcohol out of my life. But I have been questioned by other family members, as if I can’t possibly be normal not wanting to have a drink. What they don’t realise is that I do get craving to have a drink (less as time goes on) but I don’t want to let myself down anymore. Its great not having alcohol consume your thoughts. Keep going everyone & thank you Kate for your reminders .
Six months is amazing and you should be proud of yourself too Rachel. ❤️ Alcohol is the most romanticised and glamorised drug on the planet, so it’s understandable that some family members might not understand your lifestyle choice. But that’s not your problem, it’s theirs. You’ve given yourself the gift of alcohol freedom and that’s priceless.
Nearly 2 & 1/2 years (Jan ‘24 group) without alcohol and if anything my ‘sober smug’ moments are increasing. Not many days go by without a little ‘I wouldn’t/couldn’t be doing this when…’ type thought. I notice the small things, I’m more content with/in myself than I’ve ever been, so yes, I’m ’Sober Smug’ – and proud of it!!!
Many congratulations on 2 1/2 years of sober smugness Helen. Those moments of realisation are pure gratitude for releasing yourself from the alcohol trap. 🙂
I only just watched this. I’m having a Sober smug moment right now. It’s only one day, but I’ve done it. My washing up is all done, and I finished a pile of ironing at 10.30pm.
I’m going to try not to drink tomorrow either.
That’s fantastic Alison, well done. We all start with one day. If you’re feeling good now imagine how you’ll feel tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. It really is a life style upgrade.