Have you ever watched someone linger over a single glass of wine at dinner and wondered: how do they drink so… normally?
When I was struggling with my drinking, I was constantly spying on other people’s drinking, comparing myself, convinced that I was the only one with a secret problem.
I was wrong, of course, but that belief – about being the only abnormal one – really kept me stuck.
I can’t go back in time and change the past, but I can tell you what I wish I’d known sooner: that “everyone else drinks normally” is one of the most damaging lies your brain will tell you.
That’s what I’m talking about in this video.
Key points
What people say and do in public is just one version of the truth
What you see when you watch other people drink tells you almost nothing about their actual relationship with alcohol. Personally, I used to do a convincing act of being a moderate drinker in restaurants. I could do that because I knew I’d get my fill the moment I got home. Sometimes I’d leave parties early so I could go home and drink properly, unobserved. My point is – there was a big difference between the real me and the version of me you’d have seen in public.
Your brain fills in the gaps with the story it already believes
Think about how often we say “let’s go for drinks.” That phrase doesn’t tell you what anyone is actually drinking, but your brain assumes everyone is drinking alcohol because that’s the story it wants to confirm. Some of those people might be on sparkling water or drinking alcohol-free alternatives. (You genuinely can’t tell sometimes.) If you’re comparing your insides to other people’s outsides, you will never come out of it well. You have full access to your own doubts, cravings, secrets and shame. You only get a surface glimpse of everyone else’s.
Feeling broken will keep you stuck drinking
When you believe that everyone else has “normal” drinking figured out and you’re the only one who can’t manage it, the conclusion is obvious: something is wrong with you. You’re defective. Broken. Weak. And shame that deep doesn’t make you want to change… it makes you want to keep trying to prove that you can drink normally! That shame will keep sending you back to alcohol, over and over, because needing to quit feels like a bad reflection on you.
You’ve actually had a normal experience with alcohol
Remember, normal drinkers get addicted to addictive substances. It’s not complicated. Addictive things are… well, addictive. That’s not a character flaw. It’s just what happens. I know for certain that you are not the only person in your world quietly struggling with this, but hiding it well. You’re good at hiding your drinking, right? So why would you be the only person doing that? You aren’t.
Ready to create an alcohol-free life you love? Click here to learn more about my Getting Unstuck course.
16 responses
Wow! Did today’s messaage really resonate and bring back memories of my drinking days! Thank you for the reminder that all is not what it appears. Not only did I “assume” other pub patrons could handle their alcohol, but I took it a step or so farther and assumed they had their whole life together. I told myself I could not handle wine because I was small, thin; in dancing days, I was afraid another dancer, patron, etc. would see me! (This would be where I, too, would leave at a reasonable hour and continue my wine at home, esp. if husband out of town on business). The memories are still clear and still unpleasant, so AF is without doubt a gift.
Thank you for sharing this so openly. It’s incredible how certain messages can bring those old memories right back, and your reflection captures that so clearly. Those assumptions we used to make about others, about ourselves, ran so deep. The way you describe slipping home to continue drinking really shows how isolating it all felt. The clarity you have now is powerful and you’re right, living alcohol-free truly is a gift.
Hi thanks kate enjoyed the comment about don’t judge do something for yourself instead I’m having a few days away with some heavy drinkers I’m going to use it as a health time !!!!!! Wish me luckx
That sounds like a lovely plan while you’re away – it really aligns with what you want. If you need a bit of a boost, plug in some headphones and listen to my free pep talk: https://thesoberschool.com/pep-talk
I have done my 1st night without drinking.I am still taking it in.It was a real struggle but I did it.
Now awake and thinking about today and tonight .Im going out tonight to see a show.
Trying to get my head around not having a drink
Well done on your first night Janet. Getting started is a huge step forward so give yourself credit. For tonight, make sure you choose a delicious alternative beverage that feels like a treat and keep going. The first few days are always the hardest, so you don’t want to keep repeating them over and over.
They drink wine, they hold it all together are thoughts that resonated with me. AF for 9 months and I don’t miss it. I am slowly becoming a better person of me.
Congratulations Diane! Becoming the best version of yourself is a quiet act of kindness that lifts not only your own life, but the lives of everyone around you – keep going. 🙂
This weekend will mark 3 years AF.
These thoughts of “normal “ drinking pop into my head from time to time, and yes, I sometimes question why that normal drinker couldn’t be me. But then I remember what normal used to be. Never want to go back there.
Thank you for this important reminder.
Mary from NYC
Congratulations Mary, 3 years is a fabulous achievement! Your new normal clearly suits you. 🙂
5-26 it will be 4 years 🙂
Fabulous Cheryl! Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised…and more. ❤️
I would love to be a normal drinker. I can’t see that ever happening . I just crave vodka every night
I can help you remove the craving and desire for vodka in my empowering coaching programme called ‘Getting Unstuck’, because that’s exactly what it does. Don’t just take my word for it, listen to these stories from some of my previous students who felt just like you and are now completely alcohol free: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/
Hi Kate
I’ve been following your videos and I want to thank you for your encouragement. I ve now been sober for three months. It’s amazing not to be guilty about going to the coop for another bottle and dread the clinking of my recycling bottles. I have so much energy.
Thanks so much
Margaret
That is fantastic Margaret. Congratulations on your 3 months of alcohol-free living!