When I first stopped drinking, one of my biggest fears was other people.
What would they say? Would they judge me? Would they feel awkward around me?
I’d built up so many worst-case scenarios in my head that just the thought of other people’s reactions left me with a knot in my stomach.
If you’re feeling anxious about telling people you don’t drink, you’re definitely not alone.
The good news? Most of the time, those fears are totally overblown.
In this video, I’m sharing some reassuring stories that I think will surprise you and put your mind at ease…
Key points
You might be completely wrong about how people will react
I was chatting to one of my students recently – Martina, who’s five months sober. She’d just had the best weekend catching up with an old drinking buddy. They’d shared a bottle of Nozecco (alcohol-free prosecco) and had a brilliant time.
But here’s the thing – Martina had been dreading this meetup so much she’d nearly cancelled it. She couldn’t imagine how her friend would react to her not drinking. As it turned out, her friend was totally fine about it and was actually quite happy to have the opportunity not to drink.
This reminded me of my own sober journey. I remember building up to this big, tense announcement with one of my drinking buddies… and she was great about it! It just wasn’t a big deal at all.
Telling people you don’t drink: Your brain loves to catastrophise about this
When alcohol has been such a big deal to us, we sometimes forget that it’s not nearly as all-consuming to other people. Your brain is wired to be slightly negative and brilliant at creating worst-case scenarios.
Watch out for those times when your thoughts go to extremes – “But everyone else drinks”, or “They’ll all think I’m boring” or “No one will want to socialise with me.” When you catch yourself using words like “everyone,” “always,” or “never,” that’s your brain generalising and going to black-and-white thinking.
I just can’t let you indulge this story that everyone’s going to give you a hard time, or that telling people you don’t drink is going to end in you being left out. It’s simply not true, and believing it will keep you stuck.
What if other people just need you to go first?
Here’s something to consider: what if other people would actually benefit from someone like you shaking things up a bit? Maybe they’d be quite happy to meet for a walk instead of wine, or try an alcohol-free option.
Sometimes all it takes is one person to break the status quo, and others happily follow. One of the things I hear from my students all the time is that when they go to parties, other people end up pinching their alcohol-free drinks! There’s always more demand for it than you’d expect.
The bottom line? Most people are more flexible than you think
It’s impossible to predict exactly how everyone will react to you putting a different liquid in your glass, but I have this feeling that your worst fears are probably misplaced. You might be completely underestimating how supportive, open-minded, or even relieved other people will be. Most decent people are far more flexible in their thinking than we anticipate.
And even if a few people don’t get it? Well – it says more about where they’re at than where you are. The most important thing is that you get to do what’s right for you and live a life you feel proud of. And you never know… by going first, you might quietly give someone else the permission and inspiration they’ve been waiting for too.
Ready to create an alcohol-free life you love? Click here to learn more about my Getting Unstuck course.
8 responses
I’ve never said I’ve stopped drinking alcohol altogether because of fear of failure. However, whenever I say I don’t want a drink at that moment, I have experienced all the negative remarks you reckon I won’t necessarily get. I’m sure many people will be on board with it, but not everyone. It won’t stop me trying but I think I’ll need to be prepared.
Hi Rose, Saying something with confidence usually works best. You don’t have to figure all this out on your own. If you’d like some support, my online coaching programme would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
That’s a shame, Rose, and good luck. Like Kate suggests, I just say, briskly, that I’m having an alcohol-free day (which is about all I can manage at the moment). My own experience is that people are fine with that (and then start wondering about their own consumption). But if you get stuck, try appealing to hypochondria, which has worked for me. “I’m not drinking today.” “Oh, come on.” “No, alcohol gives me joint pain in the middle of the night; have you ever had that?” You can change the subject after a while.
Hi Kate, I recently re-connected with an old friend after 40 years. He was a great drinking buddy back then and we always had a good connection, drinking or not. When I told him I don’t drink now, he was truly taken aback … why would you stop drinking wine?? He was aghast. It came to a point of him trying to talk me into having a few wines … just when I’m with him … that I half heartedly agreed. As long I didn’t revert to my old habits right? I’d be strong about it I told myself. Then I stepped back and thought about it. Alcohol free for almost 4 years … NO!! Why was it so important that I have wine in my glass? Answer: so he felt better about his drinking. I’ve fazed him out of my life as he tried to make me feel anti-social or something and it was relentless every time we spoke. I’m proud of myself for stepping away from drinking … and now him even though I adore him. It could have been so different and that’s the shame.
Hi Leith, Well done for putting yourself and your sobriety first. His request was totally about what was good for him and to the detriment of what was right for you. Always wise to step back and think it through.
Well Kate I now 6 months Sober thanks to you and the Soberschool. At first it was hard justifying my choice of an ethanol free life. Now well, I still get a few comments but to be honest, I don’t care what others think anymore. I am loud and proud about my sobriety now.
Last week, my biggest challenge happened. My house went on fire, with my family and dogs inside. Everyone got out safe. House is totalled. While all this was happening i got offered a drink to calm my nerves. I didn’t even think about it. My reply was No thanks I don’t drink but a coffee would be great thanks. It truly does get easier as time goes by.
Oh my goodness Jackie I am so glad you are OK. Well done on your 6 months of sobriety, it’ll help you process this shock and get back on your feet so much faster.
I’ve been telling people that I had a bad hangover after my friends 60th party and haven’t been able to face a drink since. People have made jokes about my over indulgence and not pushed it further. That’s been my work around