Imagine meeting someone and instantly deciding that you want to spend the rest of your lives together…
It doesn’t really happen, does it? (Apart from in the movies.) But that’s what so many women try to do with sobriety.
One day they’re in a long-term relationship with alcohol and the next they’re trying to convince themselves that they’re never, ever drinking again!
And guess what? That tends to feel pretty overwhelming.
In today’s blog, I explain what to do instead…
Key points
Are you doing this too?
People often say to me, “I want to quit drinking Kate, but I just can’t imagine never, ever drinking again, so I’m not sure it’s the right time.” Or sometimes I work with clients who say, “I’m really enjoying alcohol-free living, I’m two weeks into this now, but I still can’t picture being sober forever yet. Is that normal?”
It’s totally normal! When you think about most real-life relationships, they take time, right? It’s rare that people want to get married after the first date – you want to date and get to know each other first. It’s the same with alcohol-free living. You don’t need to commit to forever just yet.
A date with uncertainty
Your brain hates being out of its comfort zone and not knowing how things are going to turn out. It’s also wired to be slightly negative and to look out for risks. So it makes sense that your brain is going to zoom off into the future and have a lot of questions about all kinds of imaginary scenarios!
The fact is, if you’re on Day 1 right now, you don’t know how you’re going to feel by Day 50 or Day 100. If you’re six weeks sober today because you quit at New Year, that’s great – and I bet there are things you can do now that you didn’t think you’d be able to do at the start of this year. See how fast things change?
Here’s what I recommend
Stop worrying about the F word. (Forever!) Just commit to taking a proper break from drinking instead. Go all in and give it a proper shot for at least six weeks, but ideally 90 or 100 days. Fully commit to staying sober during that time, no matter what.
That way you can experience alcohol-free living properly and get to the good bit. Those first few weeks are hard and you don’t want to form any opinions based on those early days. But don’t go trying to marry alcohol-free living before you’ve even been out on a few dates!
27 responses
Finding the information very encouraging although I have not quit yet but I want to and I will
Hi Kate,
I love your videos and podcasts.
I am day 21 AF today. I am celebrating that, however, I still have some anxiety and foggy headedness daily.
I’m remaining open to the idea that everyone is different, and I may just need to hit that 90 or 100 day mark to really see what it’s like.
Thanks for all you do!
Thanks! It can take a little time to feel the major benefits of alcohol-free living, but believe me, your body is breathing a sigh of relief and healing inside so stick with it. 🙂
This is so true, thank you! I’m on my umptenth attempt at being alcohol free – though every time I’m fine going for a few weeks or a month and then fall back into the same patterns again. I’m now on day four, of my third attempt this month, and have really been feeling like a failure! But will rethink with this in mind, and commit to six weeks and then see how I feel. Thank you ☺️
Trying and failing to quit is a vicious cycle, because it then seems like sobriety is really hard when it isn’t. Not if you give it a proper chance like six weeks or 100 days as I suggest. Stick with it and have a listen to my free pep talk if you ever feel yourself falling into old patterns: https://thesoberschool.com/pep-talk
I stopped on 30 nov 2023
My reason was too many rock bottoms
I’m doing great and that’s my reason , to stay great , stay me and stay happy , as I am now since being AF
I do drink AF wine and Lager , but that is now becoming less frequent , but will still be useing this on social occasions
NICKY
Congratulations Nicky! Feeling great and happy is what life is all about and you achieved that for yourself in sobriety. ❤️
I’m at six weeks of sobriety and feel really good about it. I love this article for recommending the “taking it one day” or “one pause” from alcohol at a time. Love these posts, Kate!
I’m in my 5 of year of sobriety. I started with the intention of doing 90 days & this felt very manageable. After about two weeks of getting used to social scenes without alcohol, I knew I’d never go back. It’s been one of the most water eye-opening experiences of my life and I love it!
Once you realise that socialising is still fun without giving alcohol the credit (after all we do it all the time on coffee dates and lunches), it makes sense to continue a lifestyle of freedom from the health consequences associated with drinking. So glad to hear you’re loving AF living because I agree, it’s the best!
Kate,
Not had alcohol this year! My first goal was completing January AF and I have now moved the goalposts to March 15th. This is the first day of my holiday. I am however hoping to move the goalposts again nearer to this date until AFTER the holiday. Although I am not putting myself under any pressure for this date, just taking little steps.
Thank you for all your emails, videos and information, these have all contributed massively to my sober journey.
The perfect way to set and reach your goals is to make them doable but a little stretching at the same time. You’ll be feeling very different by the middle of March, so another post-holiday goal will feel not only manageable, but desirable! Alcohol-free holidays are the best, an upgrade for free where you get to experience everything in technicolour and come home truly rested and invigorated. You got this Gill! 🙂
Hi Kate, I’m on my 7th week AF, I’m taking it one day at a time I’m secretly hoping i can do a year AF by setting 4 wk goals.
Just want to add something
A good and healthy drink every morning first thing when you get up is
1 litre of cold water mixed with 1 tablespoon of apple vinegar cider and 1 large fresh lemon squeezed into it , just mix together and drink it all before anything else
It’s a great healthy start to your day
Hi Kate,
I did your course last October and am still sober! I am still setting goals and would be glad to never drink again – I’m feeling the benefits of AF life so feel inspired to do another month each time. I’m actually becoming the person I always wanted to be and realising that perhaps I can change others things too. Your course and insight helped me so much – thank you very much for that!
Fantastic to hear you are going strong Del! A month at a time is a goal that you can easily visualise and achieve, so keep celebrating each goal as you get there – more reasons for rewards only reinforces the positive mindset that will take you further forward. 🙂
Hi Kate,
Hoping to start tomorrow as lent begins. But I’m very nervous as my mood is very low for the past few months. Any advice would be welcome
Thank you
Alcohol is a known depressant, so the best thing you can do for your mood is stop drinking! Going alcohol-free for a decent amount of time is not only beneficial for your physical health, but also your mental health. If you need a bit of motivation to keep going, have a listen to my free pep talk here: https://thesoberschool.com/pep-talk
Hi Kate you are so right about not looking too far ahead I think that was part of the problem for me I’m at day one again after 100 days sober I feel like I know how sober feels at 100 days it felt great but I still drank after that I am trying again I just hope I get past the wall part apparently 100 to 120 days is like climbing a wall but u get freedom after that I read that thanku for being you ill get there xx
The only barrier to long term sobriety is how you think about it. After 100 days, a thought that alcohol was a good idea again will have come from somewhere, have a think about that.
Imagining a mythical wall to climb will make sobriety seem difficult, but embracing the good feelings and thinking of it as a lifestyle upgrade rather than a journey with an end destination will help break down any barriers.
I never thought I could be AF but happy to say I’m almost 600 days, I feel better, look better, it’s a win win!
Hi Mary Ann, Congratulations, it’s great to hear how well you are doing.
I love this idea. Saying to myself “It’s not forever, it’s just to see what it’s like” helps. I don’t start grieving my boozing in anticipation and I’m less likely to think “well, as this is the end, I better take the chance to go on one last bender” doing more damage to myself in yet another mega-binge
All that being said though, I do worry that in not making a definite decision and stopping ” for good”, it’s going to be all too easy for me to slip back into drinking. I’m the sort who can just as easily say to myself ” I never said forever” and grant myself a hall pass to drink again – A really scary thought as I’m also the sort who’ll then start thinking ” it’s all hopeless, I’ll never be free of this” when I inevitably let myself off the hook and have another drink
Hi Rose, the mindset work is a key part of my online coaching programme. I think it would be a great fit for you. Here are some more details: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
I love your videos and find them very informative and inspiring, this ‘Forget Forever’ one especially so.
#currently day 3 AF
Thank you Kate.
I love your videos and find them very informative and inspiring, this ‘Forget Forever’ one especially so.
#currently day 3 AF
Thank you Kate.
Diane
Thank you Diane and for more inspiring stories, check out the experiences of some of my previous students too: https://thesoberschool.com/success-stories/