When I was trying (and failing) to quit drinking, I always had a lot of angry questions for myself the morning after.
Questions like: Why on earth did I do that? Why do I keep drinking when I said I wouldn’t?
Sometimes my drinking felt like a bit of a mystery. It didn’t make sense… and yet I kept doing it.
If you can relate, let’s talk about where to go from here. This video is all about what to do if you don’t understand why you’re drinking either.
Key points
The “I don’t know” trap
It sounds like such a factual and innocent statement of truth. However, this thought is rarely true but it will sneakily block you from your own wisdom. The truth is, your drinking always makes sense. There’s always a good reason for it. There was a thought and feeling that went before the drinking and you chose to manage that with alcohol.
Be curious about why you keep drinking
A big part of quitting drinking is understanding why you do it and learning how to be curious about it. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with you. Please don’t judge yourself. You don’t have a disease or an addictive personality. You’ve just got a coping mechanism that isn’t working for you anymore. So let’s drop the judgement and figure out what’s happening inside your own head.
Take a guess
A great way out of the “I don’t know” trap is to take a guess at why you drank. Your guess is probably going to be right. You want to understand: what does your brain think you’re getting from alcohol? What if – and this is important – what if your drinking is actually just showing you the life skills that you’re missing? What if it’s just highlighting the areas you need to work on and figure out how to provide for yourself?
Bridging the skills gap
Up until now you’ve been outsourcing certain needs to alcohol – but alcohol isn’t doing a great job for you anymore. So how else can you provide what you need? For example, if you drink when you’re bored, start thinking about how you could create more pleasure in your life, just on your own. If you drink for confidence, how else might you start generating that confidence from within? Or perhaps you need another way to deal with worries, anxiety and stress. Get curious and notice what you need here.
Looking for help and support to create an alcohol-free life you love? My Getting Unstuck course will transform your relationship with booze and yourself. Learn more here.
17 responses
My first week of being alcohol free. Reading you blog has made me more mindful of the
Habitual pitfalls and has been extremely helpful.
Instead of agreeing with the little thought in my head of deserving a drink, I can take a step back and think about it logically of why I will not.
I’m not running away with myself and patting myself on the back but taking each day as it comes.
Today, I’m not going to have a drink.
Well done for taking the first step! Bringing awareness is the first step in behaviour change. As I say, drinking always makes sense, you just have to get curious about your thoughts. Small steps bring great results in the long run, stick with it. 🙂
Hi Kate. I’m back to drinking most nights. I drink in the house watching the TV with my husband. We had ‘nothing in’ and I was satisfied that I wasn’t having a drink but my husband said ‘who’s going ‘ and I did and, rather than just getting him some lager, I got myself a bottle of wine too as I knew I would have terrible fomo when we got settled in for the night. I enjoyed 3 (medium) glasses of wine and I’ve been fine today but still asking myself why I had to drink. I had 3 months of not wanting it at all last year and want that feeling back. Why is it so integral to my life? I’m not drinking because I’m stressed or need it to function in a particular way so why can’t I stop? I’m going on a short break to London next week and just can’t imagine not enjoying a glass of wine during that time. I don’t drink to get drunk but do suffer the effects of having more than I should. I’ve poured half a bottle of wine down the sink so many times. I was so content in myself not drinking, why did I start again? I just don’t know.
You are not alone Joanne. Remember that alcohol is addictive, so drinking intermittently or daily is going to create strong cravings which eats away at your resolve. These are exactly the issues I discuss and educate my students about in my Getting Unstuck course that runs just a few times a year. Your drinking makes sense, but there is another way, so let me show you why it has become so integral to your life and how to get to a point where it no longer features: https://thesoberschool.com/course/
Hi I got sober with u Kate for 5 yrs then taught I could handle 1/2 drinks then before I new it it was 5/6 drinks yr7 since I made change I got so drunk and smashed my hand which has led me back to u for help I’m back to day 7 so annoying I was really so happy alcohol free hopefully I’ll do it this time round thank u
You can get back to the alcohol-free life you loved and I’d be honoured to help you make it ‘stick’ this time. Join me for my next “Getting Unstuck” coaching programme which does exactly what it says! https://thesoberschool.com/course/
Why did I pick up the bottle again. I did so well, everything about me was better, sleeping well, caring about me, and then bang I just had to have a glass or three of wine.
I am 24/7 carer, not making excuses because I should be on my best for this, but I do get so down, take today started off with Plans A, B and C for us both today…but my husband has been asleep on and off all day. I keep myself busy but really things that are isolating. Puzzles, bit of weeding, reading, listening to programmes … today I had no wine in the house, but at 5.30 which is my danger zone I ordered wine on Whoosh, here within half an hour! The first glass is wonderful and I will only have another one during the evening, prob when I cook the meal.
I know it is empty calories, means I can’t drive this evening if I had to, but I keep money on me incase my husband goes into Hospital so I can get a taxi back!
Keep going Sue, you know the alcohol-free lifestyle is worth it. As you say, EVERYTHING is better! Have a listen to my free wine o’clock guide when the danger time beckons: https://thesoberschool.com/wineoclock
Hi Kate,
Thanks for this blog. I did have a couple of glasses last night and I was just beating myself up about it when your email popped up. You are right, I need to explore the reasons why I am back drinking every night. Especially after giving up completely for 8 months. Life was so good, happy and energetic.
I seem to want to self sabotage sometimes, buying a bottle when I did not even feel like drinking and then its there to tempt me.
Just poured rest of bottle down sink, day 1 sober…again.
You’re right Louise, there is always a reason why your drinking made sense and it just needs a little reflection to work out what you thought alcohol could provide for you in the moment. Here’s another blog of mine that tackles this topic that I hope you’ll find helpful: https://thesoberschool.com/giving-in-to-alcohol-cravings/
Thank you for the blog. I’m 1 year sober thanks to the sober school. Wouldn’t be here without you.
Fantastic Terri! An alcohol-free life grows bigger and better every day. 🙂
Thank you, Kate, for the continued encouragement – these blogs are a real help. I started your course one year ago and am one year AF today. Big THANK YOU to you and the Sober School team for all the wise words and practical help. Great course and I’d recommend it to any woman who wants to explore without self-judgment why alcohol has become more important in our lives than it should be.
Congratulations on your one year soberversary Georgy – that’s an amazing milestone to reach! I’m so happy to have started you on this journey to alcohol freedom. ❤️
This is my 3rd serious time of wanting to stop I know I need to. Your video was great thank you , I feel yes explore the curiosity of why first.
I am on day 4 now awful fatigue and vision .
Average 3 glasses of wine a day but no more but a coping mechanism for sure of blocking out things , menopause anxiety too , but then I prefer myself sober and I hate the failure feeling
Hi Lisa, Well done on your 4 days! Keep going, keep being curious and keep looking after yourself because it keeps getting better and better every day.
I feel your pain Lisa. I had way to much to drink yesterday after weeks of not drinking and today I feel shame, guilt, regret I hate feeling like this like a failure